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joining us. here it, is your moment of zen. >> creed front man scott staff on why he's switching his vote from obama to romney this time. >> my heart and soul would really love someone like reagan. y captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, should churches endorse candidates? well, can you make an attack ad out of stained glass? (laughter) then, the candidates prepare for tomorrow night's debate. president obama has a whole new set of long pauses to memorize. (laughter) and my guest is univision news anchor jorge ramos. but it's my show so i'm going to call him george raymond. (laughter) the lead singer of creed says he won't endorse president obama! well, that settles it, obama will not win the 1998 presidential election. (laughter) this is "the colbert report" (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: welcome to the "report" everybody, good to
joining us. here it, is your moment of zen. >> creed front man scott staff on why he's switching his vote from obama to romney this time. >> my heart and soul would really love someone like reagan. y captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org >> stephen: tonight, should churches endorse candidates? well, can you make an attack ad out of stained glass? (laughter) then, the candidates prepare for tomorrow night's debate....
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Oct 30, 2012
10/12
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who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones. >> israel is a true friend, it is our greatest ally in the region. >> israel. our closest friend in the region. >> they have to abide by their treaty with israel. >> our ally israel. >> our bond w israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. >> israel. (laughter) >> stephen: i was playing a drinking game last night where i took a shot of manischewitz every time -- (cheers and applause) every time someone said "israel" and by the end of the debate i was totally diabetic. (laughter) but, folks, this wasn't just about israel it was also about countries that pose a threat to israel. a threat that obama has do
who gets to drive us over the cliff? (laughter) (cheers and applause) (cheers and applause) these people are huge fans of buick. (laughter) i was so excited because last night was officially the foreign policy debate. unfortunately-- and i do not know this-- that means you have to talk about a lot of other stupid countries. (laughter) and this being boca raton, florida, they hit all the important ones. >> israel is a true friend, it is our greatest ally in the region. >> israel. our...
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these electronic gadgets that we all have now -- they give us -- they give us information 24/7, no matter where we are, and it has made it impossible for us to know who this guy is. i want to say let's -- anyway, whoever he is, he needs to introduce himself to america again. sure we met him briefly at the republican convention, during the primaries, during the 2008 primaries, and when he was governor of massachusetts, but he just won't stick. he is like that guy at the party you have seen a million times but you can't remember his name. that's why he trails not only obama in the polls but also what is going on buying guy and hey, there, chief. with what is going on big guy? >> i can't. i told you i would call. >> and he is behind despite his inspiring populist message, vote for me, you parasites. luckily, luckily, washington post columnist and ventriloquist knows why obama is ahead, righting the nation which is reluctant to declare a president a failure is especially reluctant to give up on the first african-american president. yes. somebody had to say it, the president is only winning be
these electronic gadgets that we all have now -- they give us -- they give us information 24/7, no matter where we are, and it has made it impossible for us to know who this guy is. i want to say let's -- anyway, whoever he is, he needs to introduce himself to america again. sure we met him briefly at the republican convention, during the primaries, during the 2008 primaries, and when he was governor of massachusetts, but he just won't stick. he is like that guy at the party you have seen a...
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(laughter) oh, show us your mercy, whiskered ones. (laughter) or-- or romney could get a two-point bump. either way it's news. (laughter) right now, folks, the obama people where are december it fromly trying to lower expectations. it's sad, just listen to obscene your advisor and anthropomorphized vanishing sound david plouffe. (laughter) jim? >> we've accepted that governor romney will have a good night. he's prepared more than any candidate in himselfry and shown himself to be a good debater through the years. we're sure he'll put on quite a show wednesday. >> yes, if there's one word america associates with mitt romney it's "show." (laughter) meanwhile, the romney people aren't playing these silly games. they're just being honest when they hail the president as a uniquely gifted speaker who is widely regarded as one of the most talented political communicators in modern history. (laughter) yes! he's a one-in-a-generation statesman whose rhetorical gift touched the human soul! when he speaks sparrows of the wood alight upon barack'
(laughter) oh, show us your mercy, whiskered ones. (laughter) or-- or romney could get a two-point bump. either way it's news. (laughter) right now, folks, the obama people where are december it fromly trying to lower expectations. it's sad, just listen to obscene your advisor and anthropomorphized vanishing sound david plouffe. (laughter) jim? >> we've accepted that governor romney will have a good night. he's prepared more than any candidate in himselfry and shown himself to be a good...
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Oct 25, 2012
10/12
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should we be using a metaphorical elliptical? [ laughter ] but ultimately, the question is, how many questions do we have to ask before voters forget president obama killed bin laden? [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. >> stephen: that's so much. [cheers and applause] welcome back. the presidential debates may be over, but i still need my fix. so i was glued to last night's indiana senate debate between pro-life democrat joe donnelly and even pro-er lifer republican richard moooouuuuurdock. [lightning] sorry, not sure why, but that happens sometimes when i say moooouuuurdock. [lightning] [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] now in the debate last night, one moment kinda stuck out. here's mourdock when questioned on abortion. >> i struggled with myself for a long time but i came to realize life is that gift from god, even when life begins in that horrible situation of rape, it is something that god intended to happen. [audience reacts] >> stephen: okay, let me just update the "days without a
should we be using a metaphorical elliptical? [ laughter ] but ultimately, the question is, how many questions do we have to ask before voters forget president obama killed bin laden? [cheers and applause] we'll be right back. >> stephen: that's so much. [cheers and applause] welcome back. the presidential debates may be over, but i still need my fix. so i was glued to last night's indiana senate debate between pro-life democrat joe donnelly and even...
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Oct 23, 2012
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to use photo wind to draw electricity from the sun when the sun doesn't shine and allow us to drive cars hundreds of miles on a single car and reduce the dependence on petroleum. >> stephen: you created this liquid met call battery? >> that's correct. >> stephen: this say preto type. what is happen something in what is this? it looks like a very unappetizing grilled cheese sandwich. la of laugh. >> it's inedible. >> stephen: really. it's inedible? >> yes. >> stephen: so i can't eat this? >> correct. >> stephen: is it poisonous. >> it's inedible. >> stephen: you won't good so far as to poisonous. >> the metal on the top is magnesium and the body needs magnesium but the metal on the bottom is andimod. we shouldn't ingest that. >> stephen: why do we need battery snrchlz the batteries of today are far too expensive or last long enough. you know what happens in your laptop computer and your cell phone. >> stephen: i take those about theories out and i burn them. [ laughter ] you are a brave man to be here because certainly someone at exxon mobile have must have a hit out for you. is this
to use photo wind to draw electricity from the sun when the sun doesn't shine and allow us to drive cars hundreds of miles on a single car and reduce the dependence on petroleum. >> stephen: you created this liquid met call battery? >> that's correct. >> stephen: this say preto type. what is happen something in what is this? it looks like a very unappetizing grilled cheese sandwich. la of laugh. >> it's inedible. >> stephen: really. it's inedible? >> yes....
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we're reinventing ourselves. >> some of us have disease. and some of those actually can be changed by changing our, not only our environment which is one thing we can change, but also our genetics. >> stephen: you can bring things back from the dead? and were you behind mitt romney's performance last night? (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> we can make copies of things that have elements of animals or bacterias, so forth that were extinct. >> stephen: okay so, you are work on the woolly mammoth, right. >> it's a possibility. first thing that is amazing progress in the field is being able to sequence the genome of the little broken up bits of dna that are present in mammoth remains and many other animals in museums. >> stephen: have you ever stored anything on dna other than animal information. >> we stored the-- . >> stephen: how is this book on dna? >> there you go, 20 million copies, don't eat it, stephen. >> stephen: where is it, where is the-- what dow mean. >> right there in that dot. >> stephen: hold on. that do the right there, wha
we're reinventing ourselves. >> some of us have disease. and some of those actually can be changed by changing our, not only our environment which is one thing we can change, but also our genetics. >> stephen: you can bring things back from the dead? and were you behind mitt romney's performance last night? (laughter) (cheers and applause) >> we can make copies of things that have elements of animals or bacterias, so forth that were extinct. >> stephen: okay so, you are...
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Oct 12, 2012
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unfortunately, not as suspicious as it used to be. in the good old days, we had a new obama scandal every week. he was a secret muslim; wasn't born in america; doesn't have a birth certificate; and was trained by joseph stalin, jeremiah wright, and general grievous. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] it's like we've run out of ways to make obama seem like a menacing "other." until tonight. folks, the report you're about to see is so explosive, that if you're not wearing socks, please go put some on. because i don't want to blow your feet off. [ laughter ] jim? i've been a fighter pie lot. i've run for president. i've been an astronaut. i've fought a minataur. i've seen things that would blow your mind. but this changes everything. on tonight's edition of this changes everything. you've heard a lot about obama. i think president obama is dangerous. >> he's a socialist who believes in the redistribution of wealth. >> he doesn't believe there's a fundamental right to have a handgun. >> he studied the koran at a muslim school. >> he will
unfortunately, not as suspicious as it used to be. in the good old days, we had a new obama scandal every week. he was a secret muslim; wasn't born in america; doesn't have a birth certificate; and was trained by joseph stalin, jeremiah wright, and general grievous. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] it's like we've run out of ways to make obama seem like a menacing "other." until tonight. folks, the report you're about to see is so explosive, that if you're not wearing socks, please...
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i use some words more than once. (laughter) it saves time. now folks, to spread my vision for america i've already started my promo tour. for instance, all this week i've been on "the colbert report." next week i will be pushing the book on good morning america, anderson cooper, live with kelly, late night with david letterman and in the opening credits of downton abbey. (applause) we have similar views on immigration. bloody-- folk, the whole publicity folk stretch launches this monday night at 9:00 p.m. when i sit down with oprah! (cheers and applause) oprah's next chapter, again, that is sunday at 9:00 on the oprah winfrey network. uh, some people have to name everything after themselves. by doing this i will be joining the ranks of such next chapterers as lady ga ga, usher, jennifer hudson, gabbie dougeas, ree hanna and 50 cent. that by the way is actually a picture of lady gaga wearing a dress made of those other people. (laughter) anyway, sunday, me oprah, jimmy, show them a clip. >> ms. win-free, hello. won't you-- won't you please. ok
i use some words more than once. (laughter) it saves time. now folks, to spread my vision for america i've already started my promo tour. for instance, all this week i've been on "the colbert report." next week i will be pushing the book on good morning america, anderson cooper, live with kelly, late night with david letterman and in the opening credits of downton abbey. (applause) we have similar views on immigration. bloody-- folk, the whole publicity folk stretch launches this...
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good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atonement, filled with somer reflection and profound regret-- that i had to give my writers the day off. (laughter) come back, fellas, god forgives you. (laughter) (whispering) but i never will. i'd also like to toast my jewish viewers who are breaking fast tonight. to life! or, as your people say, aloha! (laughter) to the rest of my viewers out there, i'm afraid i have some tragic news. jim? >> the financial times reports drought conditions here in the u.s. say that it's destroyed crops used to feed pigs. the pig association says it became too expensive for farmers to buy pig feed so they reduced their herds. the national pig association is reporting of an "unavoidable global bacon shortage." >> stephen: a global bacon shortage! we're all going to die! much later than we thought thanks to the reduced salt and nitrates in our diet. (applause) still, we will all eventually die-- and without bacon in my mouth. (l
good to have you with us. folks, it is almost midnight on i don't mean yom kippur, the jewish day of atonement, filled with somer reflection and profound regret-- that i had to give my writers the day off. (laughter) come back, fellas, god forgives you. (laughter) (whispering) but i never will. i'd also like to toast my jewish viewers who are breaking fast tonight. to life! or, as your people say, aloha! (laughter) to the rest of my viewers out there, i'm afraid i have some tragic news. jim?...
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Oct 15, 2012
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are we sure they're not using four--year-old data? because i'm pretty sure they're using four-year-old hot dogs. what is terrifying about this is the 7-eleven cup poll is uncharacterly accurate. >> did you know this promotion actually lined up perfectly with the results of a 2004 and 2008 elections? >> stephen: and who can forget in 2010 when they accurately predicted the election of senator shrek? ( laughter ) nation, i call bias on 7-eleven. their entire poll has a margin of error of plus or minus mormons can't drink coffee. and you know what else is going on here? you know what else is going on here, folks? voter fraud. oh, yeah. why else would anyone drink 7-eleven coffee? folks, we must require voter i.d. before anyone can buy a cup of joe. i am sure 7-eleven will be just as rigorous about checking i.d. for cups as they are for beer and cigarettes. but ultimately, beverage-based polling, i believe, demeans our political process. thankfully, next week, there's another presidential debate. it's a town hall format which means averag
are we sure they're not using four--year-old data? because i'm pretty sure they're using four-year-old hot dogs. what is terrifying about this is the 7-eleven cup poll is uncharacterly accurate. >> did you know this promotion actually lined up perfectly with the results of a 2004 and 2008 elections? >> stephen: and who can forget in 2010 when they accurately predicted the election of senator shrek? ( laughter ) nation, i call bias on 7-eleven. their entire poll has a margin of error...
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Oct 17, 2012
10/12
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thank you for joining us, everybody. folks, thank you so much. i gotta say -- [cheers and applause] thank you. folks, i gotta say you may know this already but people ask me all the time and you chanting my name, stephen, stephen, i think is my favorite karaoke song. [ laughter ] the romney ryan ticket is firing on all cylinders which say huge improvement for mitt who was previously just firing people. [ laughter ] now he's got the edge heading into tonight's all important presidential debate. into that unlike obama he was there for the first time. [ laughter ] we're taping this show, my show right now ahead of time so i don't know who won but i'm guessing mitt. because the venue was in nassau county, new york, just an average town of average americans earning an average income of $91,000 almost twice the national average. mitt can really relate to people making.91,000 a year. he does that every day. no one tell me what happens. i'm going to watch it on cnn later. we've got this great new way to focus on what the candidates are saying. >> cnn.com
thank you for joining us, everybody. folks, thank you so much. i gotta say -- [cheers and applause] thank you. folks, i gotta say you may know this already but people ask me all the time and you chanting my name, stephen, stephen, i think is my favorite karaoke song. [ laughter ] the romney ryan ticket is firing on all cylinders which say huge improvement for mitt who was previously just firing people. [ laughter ] now he's got the edge heading into tonight's all important presidential debate....
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Oct 11, 2012
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join us tomorrow night at 11:00, the great pta will be joining us. here it is, your moment of zen. >> only pawn in game of life. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, our educational problems have new answers which we copied off the chinese kid in front of us. ( laughter ) them our nation's highways are in trouble. someone must have told them they were adopted. ( laughter ). plus my guest naomi wolf has a new book called "vagina." now i'm no english major but i detect a subtle sexual subtex. ( laughter ). the new york aquarium has a new baby walrus-- great, another brooklyn hipster with a ridiculous mustache. ( laughter ). this is the "colbert report." ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen! stephen. >> stephen: awfully nice. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome to the report, good to have you with us. ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, it is kind of that time of year to ask the question is this not-- ( cheers and applause ) , please,
join us tomorrow night at 11:00, the great pta will be joining us. here it is, your moment of zen. >> only pawn in game of life. captioning sponsored by comedy central >> stephen: tonight, our educational problems have new answers which we copied off the chinese kid in front of us. ( laughter ) them our nation's highways are in trouble. someone must have told them they were adopted. ( laughter ). plus my guest naomi wolf has a new book called "vagina." now i'm no english...
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Oct 22, 2012
10/12
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us being a faith driven society and favoring faith based programs. if you read the document, don't get carried away in the sound bites. we live in a political environment where sound bites and half truths take the day in the substance of the matter. i wanted to serve on the committee because i'm about ideas. this democratic party platform has sound ideas. i read the republican party platform. they talked about exploring and going back to the gold standard. >> without gold our money is worthless. if you want to pay for a latte at starbucks bring your brick of gold and a nutmeg grater. you have an idea. waywire.com. why are you a mayor engaging in entrepreneurship? >> i believe we have a problem. the voices of the american citizens is not piercing the noise of owl garky of media. video content is going big on the internet. >> stephen: no offense but we have the youtube. >> it's incredible but you need to find the video content important to you and -- >> stephen: they have a search bar. no offense. toss them i'll knock them down now. >> way wear say pla
us being a faith driven society and favoring faith based programs. if you read the document, don't get carried away in the sound bites. we live in a political environment where sound bites and half truths take the day in the substance of the matter. i wanted to serve on the committee because i'm about ideas. this democratic party platform has sound ideas. i read the republican party platform. they talked about exploring and going back to the gold standard. >> without gold our money is...
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good to have you with us. nation, i am still glowing from last week's runnaway debate victory for mitt romney. he's got the mitt-mentum. the mo-mitt-num. the rom-nentum. there's still no word for it, it's never existed before. he got a bump in the polls. campaign donations are rolling in. it's all good news! >> a september jobs report with the unemployment number now down to 7.8%, the lowest rate since the president took office. >> stephen: except for any news that is actually good. (laughter) folks, this .3% drop in the unemployment rate seems just a little too barely better than true. >> maybe it's a coincidence. >> a month before the election we have a number that comes out 1/10 below when the president took office. >> i'm not a huge conspiracy theorist but i will go with jack welch. >> how convenient the rate drops below 8% for the first time in 43 months five weeks before an election. >> right back to where it was january 2009. >> the headline right now. >> coinkidink. >> stephen: folks, this is more than
good to have you with us. nation, i am still glowing from last week's runnaway debate victory for mitt romney. he's got the mitt-mentum. the mo-mitt-num. the rom-nentum. there's still no word for it, it's never existed before. he got a bump in the polls. campaign donations are rolling in. it's all good news! >> a september jobs report with the unemployment number now down to 7.8%, the lowest rate since the president took office. >> stephen: except for any news that is actually good....
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Oct 18, 2012
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folks, good to have you with us. hey, hey, let me ask you something, everybody see that debate last night? butn't that great? i mean, romney clearly won. and, folks, i am not just saying that, i am saying that on tv. so if you're an undecided voter who did not watch, just trust me, it is 2 and 0. even though, even though, folks, the night was clearly stacked against mitt. after that first debate debacle, barack obama had definitely won the low expectations game. >> for obama the bar is rather low, compared to the first debate all he has to do is string a few sentences together, coherently to make eye contact with a single extentient human and show the slightest animation in his face. >> colbert: charles kraut hammer is right, low bar, obama's last debate performance was so bad .. that bar was set at charles kraut hammer. >> now, mitt, on the other hand, mitt, mitt romney, much greater challenge. >> we are told that they have practiced to such a level of detail that he even was preparing how he sits and there is a goo
folks, good to have you with us. hey, hey, let me ask you something, everybody see that debate last night? butn't that great? i mean, romney clearly won. and, folks, i am not just saying that, i am saying that on tv. so if you're an undecided voter who did not watch, just trust me, it is 2 and 0. even though, even though, folks, the night was clearly stacked against mitt. after that first debate debacle, barack obama had definitely won the low expectations game. >> for obama the bar is...
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Oct 18, 2012
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>> i use the characters as me dema dea two, to make people laugh and talk about serious issues i think it is important when you are given this kind of platform to inspire and uplift them, that's what i try to do f i try to use the characters to make them laugh, relax a little bit and put the message in there. >> colbert: did you say you used ma dea as anesthesia? >> yeah, you heard it right. >> colbert: you are putting america under and you are operating on our souls. >> that is so great. >> colbert: okay. so now you are the big action star. let me ask you something. you are a job creator, right? >> yeah. >> colbert: you have got -- you are like buddy with oprah. >> yeah. >> colbert: like i am. >> yeah. >> colbert:. >> i saw the interview which was really great. >> colbert: i kind kind of her best friend. >> she tells me that all the time. i am playing a bad ass you may not want to tell me this stuff. >> colbert: buddy, oprah gave me a set of beautiful kitchen knives. yeah. so don't make me cut a tyler perry. okay. you pray and believe in faith. >> i do. >> colbert: so i assume as a ma
>> i use the characters as me dema dea two, to make people laugh and talk about serious issues i think it is important when you are given this kind of platform to inspire and uplift them, that's what i try to do f i try to use the characters to make them laugh, relax a little bit and put the message in there. >> colbert: did you say you used ma dea as anesthesia? >> yeah, you heard it right. >> colbert: you are putting america under and you are operating on our souls....